Tink
20-12-2009, 02:08 AM
It really sucks when you are more mature than your mother.
Honestly I've been coddling her for so long and I have made some much needed boundaries in the last few years (my therapist is proud of me! LOL!) but she still tries to suck me in and I have to actively combat the toxicity of the relationship.
She's always crossed the line and treated me more like her "friend" or her favorite "sister". Inappropriate like wanting to know the details of my sex life when I was in high school.
Yeah. Like creepy weird inappropriate no boundaries. She thinks it's "hip" to have such an open relationship. My friends all loved her but I hated it. I was always told what a "cool" mom I have but they couldn't imagine.
The last few years the one boundary she keeps trying to cross is getting me in the middle of her and my dad's drama. Honestly, me and my dad only really resolved our relationship the last few years and I don't want to lose that. And I know it's not appropriate for her to vent to me about EVERYTHING (things a daughter shouldn't know or doesn't need to hear about) and I shouldn't be expected to pick sides.
Thing is, my mom's not all that mentally stable either. Put it this way..Once I wanted a few weeks off from her telephone calls and she got so frustrated she overdosed on her medication and it was "my fault". I carried that guilt around for years, she almost didn't make it back from that suicide attempt. Oh, that's not the only one either :roll:
Last argument they had she left him and I visited him for the holidays because I couldn't bear the thought of him being alone and she acted like I was a traitor and went into a downward spiral and ended up in an institution.
So today I wrote her this response to another one of her crazy messages:
"Well, all I can say is don't do anything rash. It might get resolved if you give him some time to realize that was a silly thing to say. I'm not taking sides, maybe just take a step back and let it stew for awhile before jumping to dramatics. It is Christmas, after all. Maybe focus on some other things and just let everyone cool down a bit?
I love you both so much. I just can't handle the drama though.
So just know I love you both, maybe take my advice and cool down a bit, and I guess just let me know what happens from there..I love you both and couldn't possibly pick a side even if I wanted to. Sorry I can't be of more help, I just don't feel right saying much more than that. Hope you don't take it the wrong way, okay?
Love you,
Tink ♥ "
And yes, I'm coddling her. Because I don't wanna be blamed again for another one of her freakouts.
This is nothing new. Trust me, we've made TONS of progress with boundaries but she will do things like this to see what she can get away with.
That's also why I'm posting here where she won't find it. Once, she found my blog and I said something about her Christmas dinner being a tad more formal than I expected and she went off the deep end. So you could only imagine what she'd do if she read this :roll:
I love her to death. She means well. And she's a good person. But I am just at a point where I'm finally making some progress mentally and emotionally and I can't let her hold me back anymore.
There's been resentment since I was a kid. Not only did she depend on me to live through vicariously (and mourn the loss of her youth) but she also was always in the hospital for some physical ailment or another. Then when she ran out of physical ailments it became mental. Next thing I knew we were in this weird competition over who was more messed up. I didn't care to enter and I don't care to win. She can have the title. Whatever.
Between you and me? I think she has Munchausen's.
Like when I told her about my rape, a few days later she had concocted a story of "thinking she might have been raped possibly and suppressing the memory". Do you know how enraging that is to have someone mock your experience and "fake it" for attention?
When I had hallucinations, she started having hallucinations and when I asked her what they were like she was obviously making them up on the spot.
Now that I am in a better place in my life, I am supposed to be the caretaker? I try to teach her techniques I learned from therapy. I make our conversations lean toward the positive and she always wants to end on a negative note.
Honestly? No one will get better from whatever ails them if they'd rather be "sick". You can't force anyone to look at life in a positive light if they're not ready to.
It's just that...
When it's your mother, it's incredibly frustrating.
Thank you for listening, I had to get that out.
Honestly I've been coddling her for so long and I have made some much needed boundaries in the last few years (my therapist is proud of me! LOL!) but she still tries to suck me in and I have to actively combat the toxicity of the relationship.
She's always crossed the line and treated me more like her "friend" or her favorite "sister". Inappropriate like wanting to know the details of my sex life when I was in high school.
Yeah. Like creepy weird inappropriate no boundaries. She thinks it's "hip" to have such an open relationship. My friends all loved her but I hated it. I was always told what a "cool" mom I have but they couldn't imagine.
The last few years the one boundary she keeps trying to cross is getting me in the middle of her and my dad's drama. Honestly, me and my dad only really resolved our relationship the last few years and I don't want to lose that. And I know it's not appropriate for her to vent to me about EVERYTHING (things a daughter shouldn't know or doesn't need to hear about) and I shouldn't be expected to pick sides.
Thing is, my mom's not all that mentally stable either. Put it this way..Once I wanted a few weeks off from her telephone calls and she got so frustrated she overdosed on her medication and it was "my fault". I carried that guilt around for years, she almost didn't make it back from that suicide attempt. Oh, that's not the only one either :roll:
Last argument they had she left him and I visited him for the holidays because I couldn't bear the thought of him being alone and she acted like I was a traitor and went into a downward spiral and ended up in an institution.
So today I wrote her this response to another one of her crazy messages:
"Well, all I can say is don't do anything rash. It might get resolved if you give him some time to realize that was a silly thing to say. I'm not taking sides, maybe just take a step back and let it stew for awhile before jumping to dramatics. It is Christmas, after all. Maybe focus on some other things and just let everyone cool down a bit?
I love you both so much. I just can't handle the drama though.
So just know I love you both, maybe take my advice and cool down a bit, and I guess just let me know what happens from there..I love you both and couldn't possibly pick a side even if I wanted to. Sorry I can't be of more help, I just don't feel right saying much more than that. Hope you don't take it the wrong way, okay?
Love you,
Tink ♥ "
And yes, I'm coddling her. Because I don't wanna be blamed again for another one of her freakouts.
This is nothing new. Trust me, we've made TONS of progress with boundaries but she will do things like this to see what she can get away with.
That's also why I'm posting here where she won't find it. Once, she found my blog and I said something about her Christmas dinner being a tad more formal than I expected and she went off the deep end. So you could only imagine what she'd do if she read this :roll:
I love her to death. She means well. And she's a good person. But I am just at a point where I'm finally making some progress mentally and emotionally and I can't let her hold me back anymore.
There's been resentment since I was a kid. Not only did she depend on me to live through vicariously (and mourn the loss of her youth) but she also was always in the hospital for some physical ailment or another. Then when she ran out of physical ailments it became mental. Next thing I knew we were in this weird competition over who was more messed up. I didn't care to enter and I don't care to win. She can have the title. Whatever.
Between you and me? I think she has Munchausen's.
Like when I told her about my rape, a few days later she had concocted a story of "thinking she might have been raped possibly and suppressing the memory". Do you know how enraging that is to have someone mock your experience and "fake it" for attention?
When I had hallucinations, she started having hallucinations and when I asked her what they were like she was obviously making them up on the spot.
Now that I am in a better place in my life, I am supposed to be the caretaker? I try to teach her techniques I learned from therapy. I make our conversations lean toward the positive and she always wants to end on a negative note.
Honestly? No one will get better from whatever ails them if they'd rather be "sick". You can't force anyone to look at life in a positive light if they're not ready to.
It's just that...
When it's your mother, it's incredibly frustrating.
Thank you for listening, I had to get that out.