Families

[Elaine]

We are not a very close family but I went to visit my folks this morning and they were telling me about my auntie Chrissie. She is in the first stages of dementia and had had a fall, was admitted to hospital a few weeks ago now and is utterly depressed. My father is very saddened by what her daughters are doing and not doing.
They have been clearing the house out slowly, not telling her anything, have arranged for her to go into a home. They barely visit her either when she was at home or now that she is in hospital. One daughter is emigrating in a few months. The other has said that she is ashamed of her mother ( I dont understand that one).
Anyway, the poor woman has hardly any visitors so I told my folks I would go with them this evening to see her. Its been years since I last saw her but I feel so sad that she is so low and lonely.
It really got me thinking. I always make fun of my poor old mum, and she is the butt of many a joke but I love her dearly and would never leave her in such a state of despair and depression.
I always used to tell her that if she or my father got sick, it would be a one way trip to Amsterdam on the euthanasia train. Today my mum said "remember how you used to joke about having us pts?" "Please do it"
Sorry for sharing that little depressing tale but it just made me think .

[Mags]

That is so sad Elaine, it makes you wonder how children can treat a parent like that:mad:

Your aunt needs all the support she can get now while she is in the early stages ....it will be too late before her daughters know it..:(

Good for you to take time out to visit her.... *hugs*

[yola]

Elaine, this is something very close to my heart as we have had to put my elderly Aunt into residential care since the death of my Uncle in August. My poor old Mum, who too is in her early 80s just hasn't got the strength to look after my Aunt. And I don't have enough time to wash my hair at the moment let along care for an elderly woman who is both frail and demandingly difficult in the extreme.

There is no easy answer, no right or wrong. I have guilt feelings every day as we were brought up that a family should stick together and look after each other - this is however, a bit of an idealised situation as reality is, certainly in my case far from this ideal.

We too have been selling my Aunt's house. We have power of attorney and all things are done with her permission though. I think it's sounds a bit shoddy how your cousins are treating your Aunt, she might be suffering from dementia, but it is a slow process with many lucid moments in between the bouts.

Your poor Aunt must be very saddened by what is happening. It's so kind of you to be visiting your Aunt, it will probably make a huge difference to her. Sadly, mine is in Devon (as it's a Polish care home) so visits are only about once every 3 months :(

[dandysmom]

That is very depressing; poor woman. Not very filial behavior on the part of the daughters; they too will be old one day and what goes around comes around....I was never faced with a situation like that: both parents died rather suddenly and relatively young. It was good of you to visit; hope you'll find time to do it more often....

[angieh]

It's a very sad situation Elaine. Both my parents were kind enough, like Dandysmom's, to pop off relatively young but my OH and I look after his mum who lives with us. She is 86 and has dementia. Some days she's relatively OK and then for no reason, has a funny half an hour (bit like the cats, but for a longer period of time). So, we live with an elderly lady, a very elderly cat and mum's old budgie (who must be 11 or 12 years old). I think there must be something in the water round here! I am glad my ancestors all seem to have been relatively short lived. I really hate the idea of getting old especially as I am reminded of the cruelty of it every day. I totally sympathise with your own mum's view of being pts. We certainly would never let an animal suffer as much as we allow fellow human beings. I think that this IMO peculiar idea of a "soul" is to blame.

[CathyW]

when i used to work,i used to deliver prescriptions to elderly and house bound folk. alot of time i was the only person they would see, i often spent a while just chatting with them.and then as soon as their condition got worse then the vultures im mean family would come hovvering, u would see them eying up what the old lady/gent owned to see what their inheritance would bring,used to make me angry,
and that sounds like what your cousins are doing,
go and see your aunt, take some photos graphs with you. they need stimulation and the photos are ideal.
well done to you proveing to be better than those cousins

[Elaine]

Off to get ready for my visit now. I have never liked these two cousines, very selfish and sneaky, always have been even when we were kids.
My aunt used to look after me during school holidays, a lovely woman who has always had to scrimp and save every penny. I think its the least i can do to make a little time for her.

[babycakes]

How very very sad.
We are not a close family but I would never be so heartless and callous to not care about anyone regardless of family or not.
I have worked with the carers of families who are experiencing early onset of dementia, in a counselling role and it's an amazing disease. (if that's the right terminology)Different for everyone and must be quite scary for the person experiencing it, as much as it is for the family around them, but it can be annoying and frustrating as you feel helpless.
You are wonderful for visiting and giving a c*$p to be honest Elaine, good on you. As for your own parents, I think seeing someone else close, experience such a thing puts our own lives in order and perspective, as non of us would like to think of our own in that situation until it's forced upon us.
I have spoke to my mum about what she would like, and I have told others what I would like should I not be able to make decisions. My dad was quite ill recently and I thought I wouldn't be that upset, so to be honest, but I now know they mean the world to me, they are who I am. And as we grow into adults, we are responsible for making change and asking for what we want. To me your parents become more in the child role needing our guidance and support in an ever changing world, in lots of ways.

Well done Elaine XXXX

[Elaine]

Think I need a little cheering up now tbh. That was so depressing. My aunt seems in good spirits if a little confused, she knew exactly who I was and it did put a smile on her face to see me.
But the hospital is an old victorian building, my dad calls it the old millhouse. He said in days of old every one used to dread ending up in the old millhouse. The ward was not very clean and the staff not very friendly or helpful, thats when you could find a nurse. The woman in the next bed to my aunt was put to bed early, a nurse then came back threw a plastic bag onto her chair from behind me and shouted, "thats your laundry". Why couldnt she have put it into the womans locker for her? My aunt was given a cup of tea and handed a busuit, from hand to hand, not even on a plate. Maybe its me but I just thought it was all very shoddy and uncaring.
Had to laugh a little when we left, my mum was saying to my dad that they are lucky because they will probably end up living with me and or my sister and that we will care for them. To which i had to say "Whooa, hang on there Elsie, what happened to the trip to Amsterdam?"
Sorry a little black humour there but it did make us all smile and laugh a little as we were leaving.

[Moli]

So nice you managed to cheer your Aunt up Elaine....These hospitals just do not seem to care about the elderly, its awful how they are treated.....

[angieh]

So sorry Elaine. Isn't this just the reason we have cats? I can't count the number of times I have cuddled Merlin for comfort. He's great - doesn't mind me getting his fur wet, doesn't say the wrong thing but is just a great comfort. Go cuddle your cats girl!

[dinahsmum]

What a sad thread. Well done Elaine for visiting - did she know you? If so, I bet that was a tonic for her.

I think this is yet another area where science and good sense do not quite meet (like some of the fertility issues). I see no sense in living longer if you're not living well - or even functioning as a human. I would love to be 90 and still gardening; I hate the thought of being 75 and incapable of remembering that I need to eat, or go to the toilet to eliminate, or who I am. I hate the thought of my children (or my husband) feeling sad for me. I cannot see the humanity in keeping shells of former people breathing and ingesting and eliminating.

It costs £25 to get the appropriate forms from Dignity in Dying. Maybe a tad for your Solicitor to hold a copy for you and you have to get your GP to sign. Here's the link - it's not euthanasia, more human kindness http://www.dignityindying.org.uk/

nice first posting of the new week ............... :roll:

[Kazz]

Very similar to the situation with my Uncle Arnie - no idea who we are where he is let alone who he is. Very very sad. :(
And causes heartbreak for those who care, and those who care for those who remember the person as they used to be.

I can get upset seeing Uncle Arnie confused but to my Mom who I love dearly it is heartbreaking, like when we arrived and Uncle Arnie had been told by Uncle Arthur (his older brother) their parents were dead, as Uncle Arnie was heartbroken they had not been to see him (his reasoning he was in hospital therefore poorly and his Mom and Dad should have come to see him) so to try to explain Uncle Arthur (poor man) as a last resort told Uncle Arnie the truth gently that their parents had been dead (27 years in Nan's case, in grandad's)

It took less than a day for Uncle Arnie to get over it and forgot shortly after. My Mom and Uncle Arthur have been beside themselves with worry ever since.

So you worry for those who you love.

So I agree with Hiary on this, if I am like my Great Auntie Nellie fit and able and running errands for the oldies (people in their 60's) when I am 100+ then I will be happy if I am like Uncle Arnie and not know who I am let alone if I have eaten that day then its not for me.

Elaine I feel for your parents its like a living hell.

[Elaine]

Thanx every one, thanx for the link Hilary and sorry for such a depressing subject to start the week.
She did know who I was and was very pleased to see me.
I popped in past this evening after work just for a short visit. She is a little confused over days etc but that may just be down to the mundane routine of sitting in a hospital. I bumped into one the daughters on my way out, she was telling me that they are trying to get her into a home. She wont like that at all but I have to symathise with them there coz it is alot to take on. I know she is only in the very early stages and maybe I have seen the best of it.
I do feel for her though. xxx

[Kazz]

The only thing I know for certain about dementia is that it gets worse. I feel for anyone in the situation, it is No win. :(

[Elaine]

My aunt is getting to go home tomorrow.

[Mags]

That's good news Elaine .....do her daughters live with her?

[Moli]

Great news Elaine....:)

[Erin]

Thats great news Elaine :D

[yola]

That's super news! Is she going to try and live at home for a bit?

[Jac]

That's good Elaine. Will she get meals on wheels ect? I hope so. As for her daughters, well I'm keeping it shut.:twisted:

[alexgirl73]

I haven't replied to this post up until now as it is a little too close to home for me st the moment. My beloved gran is now too far gone to remain living on her own:cry: We haev known it has been coming for a number of years now, but the doctors said that she wasn't 'bad' enough to warrant being put into a nursing home even though, her cooker had been disconnected to stop her from leaving pots on, her ciggies had been taken off her and only given one when someone was with her etc. But now the time has come:cry: :cry:

It breaks my heart that she doesn't know me when I telephone her, even though we liveed with her until I was 5 and was her favourite out of 22 grandchildren. And because of all the nasty family fighting that goes on amongst our lot. the only way I get information on her, or even know that this is happening is through my cousins partner who phones me up to tell me. At least once she is in the care home I will be able to call them up and find out how she is doing etc. But my gran was always such a large woman with a huge personality. brought up 8 kids and ruled them all with an iron fist:lol: , and to see the frail, confused little woman she is now just about floors me:cry: So well done Elaine, for making the effort to go and see your aunt when others who are more than capable wont. This is the situation in my family too with some of them, and when I am 300 miles away and cant pop in to visit my gran it makes me very angry that those who can and should, dont!