Rosie
12-02-2007, 04:02 PM
One I am sure most of you have seen, although it was a first for me.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the f-----g cat from huge tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b-----d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A & E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
MEMO: How To Give A Dog A Pill....
1. Wrap it in bacon
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to
take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the f-----g cat from huge tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little b-----d's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and
bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from
shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough
about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the A & E, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.
MEMO: How To Give A Dog A Pill....
1. Wrap it in bacon