Elaine
05-10-2006, 09:41 PM
Quickie ...1
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Quickie ..2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Quickie ..3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
Quickie ...4
A Polish immigrant went to the Traffic department to apply for a
driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The clerk showed him a card with the letters:C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Quickie ..5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
Quickie ...6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."
Quickie...7
How to get sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off from a company I work for in New York, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, (who's a New Zealander), asked me what I was doing?
I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker, (the New Zealander) followed me, the Boss asked him "...And where do you think you're going?"
He said, "I'm going home too bro , I can't work in the dark
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
Quickie ..2
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey,pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
Quickie ..3
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
Quickie ...4
A Polish immigrant went to the Traffic department to apply for a
driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The clerk showed him a card with the letters:C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
Quickie ..5
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of
chardonnay."
Quickie ...6
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,
her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry
up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt
them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE
SALT! THE SALT!!! THE SALT!!!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You
think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving."
Quickie...7
How to get sick leave
I urgently needed a few days off from a company I work for in New York, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker, (who's a New Zealander), asked me what I was doing?
I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out, go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker, (the New Zealander) followed me, the Boss asked him "...And where do you think you're going?"
He said, "I'm going home too bro , I can't work in the dark