Elaine
18-07-2007, 10:02 PM
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on
it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I
said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a
Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said,
"You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two
counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
Whe-hey!!
it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I
said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said,
"Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me
a
Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said,
"You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again
to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing
a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two
counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow."
Whe-hey!!