Elaine
25-01-2006, 10:37 PM
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at
work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to
her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the
window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"
she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least
of
your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and
jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual
marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of
them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried
to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of
runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels
so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run
carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I
can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my
car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope...just when it's raining."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who worked for the Post Office...whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read, Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it,
which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday
is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without
that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those
Thieving *******s at the Post Office.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street.
They pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend
buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks puzzled and asks, "Don't you like getting flowers?"
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving them to me, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde thinks for a moment and says."Don't you have a vase?"."
Subject: I, the penis
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I work in great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace which has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
************************************************** *
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you Have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management
work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to
her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the
window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"
she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least
of
your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and
jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual
marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of
them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried
to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of
runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels
so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run
carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I
can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my
car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,
"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope...just when it's raining."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who worked for the Post Office...whose job it was to
process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read, Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it,
which was all the money I had until my next pension cheque. Next Sunday
is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without
that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my
friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful
gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those
Thieving *******s at the Post Office.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street.
They pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend
buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looks puzzled and asks, "Don't you like getting flowers?"
The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations
after giving them to me, and I just don't feel like spending the next three
days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde thinks for a moment and says."Don't you have a vase?"."
Subject: I, the penis
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I work in great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace which has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
************************************************** *
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request and considering the arguments you Have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting
other locations.
You do not take initiative -- you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management