dinahsmum
05-11-2005, 05:52 PM
Four fonts walk into a bar
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was assaulted....... ..........(peanut)
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar. "Pint of best" he says to the
bar man.
Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at
one of the tables.
He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies
"Do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one `ere."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
THESE ARE EVEN WORSE
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange
a date but unfortunately........
........she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that........
............you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known as........
.........the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces.........
.........."I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to........
......... transcend dental medication.
GETTING WORSE...
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said,...........
........."I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately,.........
..........no pun in ten did.
BIG FINALE........
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,
they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
twins.........
......... If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
MORE?????????
My wife's gone to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.
NOW A DELUGE OF VARIATIONS........
My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
Is she Russian?
No, she's taking her time.
My wife's gone to Northern Italy.
Genoa?
I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.
My wife's had an accident on a volcano.
Krakatoa?
No. She broke her leg.
My wife's gone mad in Venezuela.
Caracas?
Yes, absolutely loopy
My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
Wye?
Search me.
My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
Kew?
Yes, it was rather busy.
My wife's gone to Malawi.
Lilongwe?
Yes, about 5000 miles - terrible stutter you have there.
My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos.
Inkhazi?
Yes, constantly.
My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea.
Seoul?
No, R&B
My wife caught a cold in the Gulf.
Qatar?
Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks
My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia.
Singapore?
Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too.
My wife went on a sailing course in Poole.
In Dorset?
Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.
My wife smoked a joint near Manchester.
In Hale?
Yep, got absolutely wasted.
The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was assaulted....... ..........(peanut)
A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar
The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar. "Pint of best" he says to the
bar man.
Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at
one of the tables.
He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies
"Do you want a pint?"
"No, ta. I've got one `ere."
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
THESE ARE EVEN WORSE
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange
a date but unfortunately........
........she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that........
............you can't have your kayak and heat it.
Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a
famous actor. The other stayed behind, drove a tractor and never amounted to
much. The second one, naturally, became known as........
.........the lesser of two weevils.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the
bar and announces.........
.........."I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work? He wanted to........
......... transcend dental medication.
GETTING WORSE...
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said,...........
........."I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately,.........
..........no pun in ten did.
BIG FINALE........
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain,
they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his
mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she
also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
twins.........
......... If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
MORE?????????
My wife's gone to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.
NOW A DELUGE OF VARIATIONS........
My wife's gone to St Petersburg.
Is she Russian?
No, she's taking her time.
My wife's gone to Northern Italy.
Genoa?
I should think so, we've been married for 20 years.
My wife's had an accident on a volcano.
Krakatoa?
No. She broke her leg.
My wife's gone mad in Venezuela.
Caracas?
Yes, absolutely loopy
My wife's gone to the Welsh border.
Wye?
Search me.
My wife's gone to the botanical gardens.
Kew?
Yes, it was rather busy.
My wife's gone to Malawi.
Lilongwe?
Yes, about 5000 miles - terrible stutter you have there.
My wife's got an upset tummy in Laos.
Inkhazi?
Yes, constantly.
My wife's gone on a singing tour of South Korea.
Seoul?
No, R&B
My wife caught a cold in the Gulf.
Qatar?
Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks
My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia.
Singapore?
Terrible. And the rest of the band sucked too.
My wife went on a sailing course in Poole.
In Dorset?
Yes, she'd recommend it to anyone.
My wife smoked a joint near Manchester.
In Hale?
Yep, got absolutely wasted.